New from Fisher Price: The Busy Breasts Playset™!!!

Every medical professional I have seen in the last 14 months about my boobs has told me I have "busy breasts".  Really??? I mean, they don't feel busy.  They're just... there.  But apparently they have been quietly working away at remodeling the kitchen and solving differential equations and I had no idea.  Good for them!

Except that it's not good for them.  Not only are they doing advanced calculus, they are also a hotbed of abnormal cellular activity.  And that's how I ended up here, newly diagnosed with breast cancer.  I don't know if people still read blogs anymore, but I thought this would be a good place to document my journey.  So for anyone out there reading this: welcome, and thank you for joining me! I will try not to put you to sleep with my musings.

When I mentioned to my friend Shelley that I had "busy breasts" she joked that it sounded like the name of a children's toy.  Indeed it does! I actually think this is a novel idea and would be willing to license this intellectual property to any of the major toy manufacturers (I'm looking at you, Fisher Price).

So what exactly would be the function of that toy?  Well, based on my personal experiences during the last year or so, I have some ideas:

1. Squish the toy firmly between two plates using the Marvelous Mammogram Playset™ (sold separately).  Repeatedly.  Make sure to squish it at multiple different angles.  It's fun!  So squishy!
2. Decide that the toy has not been squished nearly enough, and squish it a few more times.
3. Use the Super Ultrasound Playset™ (sold separately) to more thoroughly examine the toy.  Oooo, looks like aliens and potatoes on the screen!
4. Use the Magnificent MRI Playset™ (also sold separately) to peer deeply into the toy.  It is recommended that you also purchase the No-Noise Earmuffs™ for use during this step, as the Magnificent MRI Playset™ is extremely noisy.
5. Now here's where the fun really starts: Get out your Bonus Biopsy Kit™ (sold separately) and have a blast removing bits of "mystery stuff" from your Busy Breasts using extremely thick hollow needles.  You'll want to use your Pathology Playset™ (sold separately) to find out what these bits of mystery stuff are made of.  The excitement of finding abnormal cells will keep you on the edge of your seat!
6. When your Pathology Playset™ shows that some of the mystery stuff is rather questionable, get out your Surgery Starter Kit™ (sold separately) to slice into your Busy Breasts Playset™ to remove a larger chunk of mystery stuff.  Again, use the Pathology Playset™ to evaluate the mystery stuff.  If it looks okay, put your Busy Breasts Playset™ away for one year, then start over again at Step 1.
7. When you re-do Step 5, you may find that your Pathology Playset™ discovers something called "cancer" (1 out of every 8 Busy Breasts Playset™ has this "feature").  If you find this, the Surgery Starter Kit™ won't be enough and you'll need to add on the Mastectomy Bundle™ (sold separately).  This bundle includes not only precision surgical instruments, but also a whole new set of Busy Breasts™ that should be a lot less busy than the original set.  Note: it is not recommended to use the Marvelous Mammogram Playset, Bonus Biopsy Kit, or Mastectomy Bundle on the replacement Busy Breasts.

Now who wouldn't want to buy this toy, am I right???

It certainly sounds more fun than being the owner of actual busy breasts and experiencing all these things being done to me.  But I have to say, even though my poor boobs have been through a lot, I am so grateful for it because my cancer was caught early, which means I should be able to live a long, healthy life.

To properly preface this blog, let me take you all back in time a little bit.  Last fall, I had my first ever mammogram, and the radiologist spotted a bunch of "mystery stuff" (my technical term, not his), which resulted in me having 4 core needle biopsies (2 in each boob).  Three of the biopsies were all clear, but one of them showed something called Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia (ADH).  This isn't cancer, and it's not even technically pre-cancer, but it is often found alongside cancer and can be an indicator of future cancer risk. So I was sent for a surgical biopsy to remove a larger tissue sample from that area.  Fortunately, no cancer was found, just ADH, so I was free to go until the next year.

This fall, I had my second mammogram and the radiologist spotted a bunch of NEW mystery stuff that wasn't there last year in both boobs.  Well, isn't that cute???  He did 4 more core needle biopsies (2 in each boob again, because we don't want either boob to feel shortchanged).  Now, if you've never had a breast biopsy before, you may not know that each time they take a biopsy sample, they insert a tiny titanium marker into the breast so that they can see it on future mammograms.  These markers come in various shapes and sizes, because some people may have more than one biopsy.  In the course of a year, I had had so many biopsies (8 total), they had run out of marker shapes to give me.  I actually have duplicates!  The radiologist who did all of my biopsies was clearly starting to get sick of seeing me.  To be fair, I think I was getting more sick of seeing him.  I mean, he wasn't the one getting repeatedly stabbed by very large needles.

The biopsies from my right boob (which had ADH last year) came back all clear.  Whew!  I figured I was good to go, because that was the breast I was most concerned about.  But then a few days later I got the call about my left breast biopsies.  I'll never forget that moment on October 10, because I had just gotten off a plane in Florida and was ready to start a nice family vacation when the nurse called me to tell me I had breast cancer.  That bitch!

Okay, actually she was very sweet and not at all a bitch.  I can't imagine having to do what she does and deliver this kind of news to people with compassion and kindness.  Nurses rock!

So you may be wondering what happens now.  Well, I'll tell you.  And then you'll be sorry you asked.

In the last month, I have had more doctor appointments than I can count on both hands.  The most important appointments were with my breast surgeon (who did my surgical biopsy last year) and my plastic surgeon.  My breast surgeon, who was not thrilled to be seeing me again a year later, and this time about the other boob, gave it to me straight.  She said she hardly ever makes this recommendation to anyone, but due to my young age and my Very Busy Breasts™, she was recommending a bilateral mastectomy (BMX for those of you who like medical jargon) with immediate reconstruction.  I'm glad she recommended that, because I was about to ask for it.  We were on the same page.  Sure I could just have a lumpectomy and radiation, but with all the changes going on in my boobs, it was super likely I'd have to get poked with more needles every year until eventually I'd leak like a water balloon with lots of holes in it.  That's really no fun for anyone (despite the fact that it sounds kinda fun to watch).

So, let's just chop 'em off and be done with it!

My surgery is scheduled for November 13, and it is fast approaching.  The breast surgeon and the plastic surgeon will work in tandem.  The breast surgeon will perform the mastectomy on one side, then when she moves to the other side, the plastic surgeon will do the reconstruction on the first side.  The goal is to keep my own nips, but they won't know for sure if I can do that until they get in there and make sure there's no funky cancer cells lurking in that area.  The goal is also to go direct to implant, but if they can't save enough skin to accommodate the implants, they will have to insert tissue expanders that will be gradually filled over the course of many months to stretch the skin, before being swapped out for implants.

Something else that will be done during my surgery is a sentinel node biopsy, where they check a few lymph nodes near the cancer site to see if the cancer has started to spread.  The results of this will determine the need for further systemic or targeted therapies (such as chemo or radiation).  Since the cancer was caught early, the hope is to not need chemo or radiation, but we'll cross that bridge if/when we get to it.

TL;DR, I'm swapping out my old cancer-containing boobs for a new set of cancer-free boobs, and after that, I don't know exactly what will happen, but I'll keep you posted.

I think this is a good first blog post.  I could go into a lot more detail, but let's be honest - you don't want to read it, and I don't want to type it.  I'll have lots of time during my recovery to post stuff (and some of it may be morphine-inspired).  For now, I'll just say: Thanks for reading!

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to get back to my Busy Breasts Playset™.  It's Bonus Biopsy™ time!!!